Deat’s Note

Here I am. I’m standing in front of where I was born. A small house in one of alley at my hometown. It reminds me all of  old memories. The first time I celebrate my 3rd Birthday, the first time I enter school and how shy I was, the first time I played with my neighbour kids (childhood friends). The first time for everything that triggered all my life scenes.

 

I also remembered all when I got hit if I make any mistake. How they shout at me, slap my face, throw me a scissor, hit me with brromstick and sandals. It give me an eternal pain. In my body it maybe gone, but in my heart it remains. I remembered how hard they teach me in school lessons. How they never think twice to hurt me if I was wrong. How embarassed I am when people asking me about the bluish bruise in my body and how I got it. How my parents steering my life, and until I grow up, I’m unable to escape. The last thing I remembered is when I only meet my parents during friday night, start 6pm until 9pm. That is triggered my incompatibility with my parents. They’re way of thinking cannot match with me.

 

I also regain memories when my childhood friend always come to my house almost everynight. We played video games together. Or just chatting, trading stories, talk about his girlfriends. We are like brothers. There is a schoolmate who are afraid to come to my home, because how scary  my grandma is. I was lonely, I don’t have many friends. I am an introverted person. I cannot express what I have in mind to other people, because I have a hard time to trust somebody. I’m afraid to be left alone.

 

Everything changes when I moved from my hometown. I lived faraway for two years. I kinda missed my place, especially my room and my small pillow with terrible smell to show my teritory. People at home only know if I have a good job, big salary, but they know nothing about my struggle. How people treat me at work. How my boss keep saying bad stuff to me. How I changed myself from silent guy to be reckless and crazy enough to say “This is not my FAULT!” and how I just want to hit his face. But, in new place I meet many wonderful friends, trustful companon, and grateful teacher. I also know how to fight against silly rules, and feel the night life as well.

 

Then comes my time to come back home. I continue my pursuit to becomes a tour guide. But almost all of my family against my decision. They keep hurting my feeling. And I decide to leave home. I stay on my track. I want to be a tour guide. Many things I got since I became, ostly experience to keep me have clear mind. So I take the chance to leave.  This is my biggest decision and also something I will regret. But I’m steady. I leave without notice one night and I live by myself until today. Yes, this day. Many things have happened since. Many things matured me. Because of that, I even dare to try the lustful sin but makes me want to do it again. The One Night Stand.

 

I open the cupboard in my room. I found all the data from my Kindergarten time until I graduate from language college. I saw my old pothograph at graduation certificates. I can see the changes from everything, easy to say, my appearance. From cute and innocent face when I enter kindergarten. Then the photo when I graduate elementary school and enter junior high school. I still look thin and have almost handsome face. Then the changing expression to fat boy and lazy teenager at high school. When my beard grew. When my voice changed. I can no longer recognized myself. My changes of habit. I see the face of reality. The face of young man who starts to see the harshness and firmness of the melodies of this life. What this will be? Is everything will turn to be what I want?

 

And here I am. I stand here again. In the same spot. Same point of view. Just like what I did many years ago. With same house, same condition, but different timeline. Will it be same always? All of that above keep filling in my head. But I’ve decide.

 

Here is where I was born. But, not a place where I will spend the rest of my life. Here will be the place where I close my eyes forever.

Cat’s Philosopy

Today, our dorm’s cat gave birth to three small kittens. Well actually four, but one of them was eaten by the mother. The story is, about a few days ago, our cat seems so spoiled. She going to every corner of our dorm, even enter our rooms (three of dorm civilians including me), open the cupboard and creating mess inside. But later, we find out why she’s so spoiled, not because of hunger, but because she want to give birth.

 

Then, last night, she find a comfortable room inside of a box full with dirty clothes of my neighbour’s dorm. The three of us (me, Ibi, and Cak Pe’i), we look at the cat and she look back without doing anything, like she said to us “Ooooh I’m shy, don’t look at me please.” We got the cricket momentum for awhile then we decided to leave her alone.

 

We do our usual activities after that, and in middle of the night we look at the cat condition, she have four kittens. Yay!!!! But….. she still halfway eat one of kitten which have same color as her. What? We don’t know why, but we have a guess if she eat the kitten because she feels intimidate by it. And what’s the point? It’s only guess after all.

 

After watch this lovely scene (except the-eating-kitten-scene), I realize if people nowadays is quite similar with cat. people search places to find an appropriate place for giving birth. People loved the newborn baby so much, and promised to take care of it. But, quite often if people kill their babies.

 

Many reasons they claimed to kill their babies. Can be about social views, economic problems, shameful feeling, or losing their mind. But, it’s a baby. They born with no sin at all, why they must be killed? If the baby is unwanted, then why wasting time to make them and wait nine months and ten days just to erase their existence?

 

Human is more intelectual than cat. It possibly true if cat eat their kitten because of intimidation feeling. But human, Should they kill the baby just because of intimidation? Better not! Unlike cat that they can “marry” any cat they like, human marrying another human because of feeling called “love”. As the result of their love combination, the baby is born. The combination of physical signature as well as the innate habits.

 

Now the question is, do we want to be compared with cat? Do we both kill our kids because of intimidation? Does cat have “love” feeling to produce a kitten? Does it necessary to learn from cat about how they treat the kitten?

 

Because we more intelegent than cat…

 

STOP ABORTION NOW AND FOREVER!!!!

Never stop believe in “Hope”

Harapan. Sebuah ungkapan yang berarti sebuah keinginan untuk saya. Dimana saya merasa terpuruk dan jatuh, saya berharap untuk bangkit kembali. Dimana saya sedih, saya berharap untuk kembali tersenyum. Dimana saya merasa hampa dan kosong, harapan saya sangat besar untuk kembali penuh berisi.

Harapan. Seorang pedagang berharap barangnya laris manis ditengah ketatnya persaingan. Harapan. Semua orang tua menginginkan putra putrinya hidup lurus sesuai jalur agar tidak jatuh pada dunia gelap. Harapan. Seorang siswa berharap lulus ujian akhir dengan nilai bagus agar bisa melanjutkan pendidikan. Harapan. Seorang istri berharap-harap cemas jika suaminya pulang terlambat, entah karena pekerjaan atau ada “mainan” baru. Harapan. Seorang pemimpin mengharapkan daerah yang dipimpinnya aman sentosa, bebas dari masalah dari dalam maupun dari luar.

Untuk menggapai sebuah harapan beragam cara dilakukan. Ikhtiar, berdoa, menangis memohon pengampunan, berbohong, menghina, prasangka, kecurigaan, bahkan pembunuhan, secara jasmani ataupun pembunuhan karakter. Hampir semua sah-sah saja.

Apakah harapan diri kita bisa jadi nyata? Atau hanya sekedar harapan kosong?

Pertanyaan seputar harapan kerap muncul. Secara batin maupun lisan. Bisakah dipertanggungjawabkan? Lain di ucapan, lain di sanubari. Bisakah terwujud? Atau tidak sama sekali? Tergantung dari masing-masing pribadi. Selama masih memiliki kepercayaan, manusia bisa menjawab pertanyaan itu.

Harapan. Tak perlu terlalu muluk-muluk. Terkadang memiliki yang sederhana pun tak mengapa. Tapi seperti yang tertulis, harapan adalah milik masing-masing individu. Dan harapan tiap orang berbeda-beda.

Jangan pernah berhenti berharap, karena dengan harapan, manusia akan bisa terus hidup dengan usaha-usaha untuk mewujudkannya…